We’re resurrecting MACHO CITY for a special one-off this Thursday night at Dalston Superstore starring the original triumvirate of Dave Kendrick, Charlie Porter and Dan Beaumont. Not only was MACHO CITY a weekly Thursday homosexualist hoe-down at the Joiners Arms, it was also a weekly newsletter edited by Charlie with contributions from a stable of international reporters including DOG CORRESPONDENT, POLARI CORRESPONDENT (Ms DORIS DeTINSEL) and MACHO CITY’S OWN SHARON MARSHALL among many, many others. Here are some excepts from… a selection of… THE WEEK IN MACHO!
****THE WEEK IN MACHO****
THE HOME OF MACHO, EVERY THURSDAY AT THE JOINERS ARMS
+ every Wednesday from the land of MACHO… HERE IS THE NEWS!
[*DISCLAIMER* If some of these aren’t actually adjectives, don’t hate us! This is sourced from those who work in fashion! English Language O-Level ain’t high on their job requirement lists]
This is a special request MEN OF MACHO! Last week, if you recall, we celebrated the perfect chest hair equilibrium that is Tom Selleck. “Oh yes about Tom Selleck,” came the message from our VISAGE CORRESPONDENT [not VISAGE as in the band, but all matters of the face], “Oh and also, Daley Thompson is the black Tom Selleck:
Watching the Olympics over the summer, we felt a draw that we couldn’t explain. Why did we want to watch the decathlon? BORING! Not just one dull sport, but TEN of them. Yet it held such a strong lure. Why why why?
MACHO CITY was OBSESSED with Daley Thompson. Moustache. Muscle. Bulk. Running shorts. And he won a pretty medal thing!
What with everyone being poor and stuff
What with none of the advertisers advertising so there’s no need for credits and stuff
And what with everyone really wanting to join knitting circles/the WI/jam-making class yeah right
HEY so here’s our first ever and probably last DIY GUIDE TO THE FASHIONS!
a) Head to any old supermarket
b) Have with you a fabulous cloth bag, best if given free to the front row at one of those fancy FASHION EAST affairs!
c) MACHOCITY’s was that black one with that bright yellow NATASCHA STOLLE croc print on it
e) now then go to a supermarket
f) oh, that was point a)
g) anyway go there
h) and head straight to the WINE aisle
i) then go directly to the shelf of WINE BOXES
j) go through WINE CHOICE HELL
k) oh god!
l) white wine psychosis?
m) or red wine gumminess?
o) oh, let’s have psychosis
p) take a box of white wine
q) take it to that self-service check-out bit
r) scan it
s) the machine beeps arrghhh!
t) the nice man has to come and tell the machine you’re not a child
v) amazing! it’s yours
w) put the wine box in the cloth bag
x) get on london’s underground service!
y) don’t act immediately
z) but size up your companions in the carriage
zz) then once you’ve got their measure
zzz) dip your hands into the cloth bag!
zzzz) and start to tear open the box!
zzzzzz) who wants the box when…
zzzzzzzz) is a WINE BAG!
zzzzzzzzz) A SILVER WINE BAG!
zzzzzzzzzz) complete with its own pump!
zzzzzzzzzzz) WINE BAGS ARE AMAZING!
zzzzzzzzzzzz) they’re silver
zzzzzzzzzzzzz) AND THEY’RE FILLED WITH WINE!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) oooh look!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) the underground has gone to town!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) and it’s GAY DAY!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) oooh la!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) first off, keep WINE BAG in the cloth bag
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) don’t want to reveal all too early
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) plus you need to let the wine go down a bit first too
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) have a few glasses
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) out comes the bag and…
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) OMG it’s a DIY clutch!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) and it’s the best clutch in the world because it contains wine!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) that is all
Gay Icons exhibition, National Portrait Gallery, London W1
Ooooh look our POLARI CORRESPONDENT, Ms DORIS DeTINSEL, has been to that photography show of GAY ICONS! I wonder what she thought?
HEY and more to the point,
IT LOOKS LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO INTRODUCE BOLD TYPE TO MACHOCITY!
IS BOLD TYPE ALLOWED?
WHERE’S THE DESIGN TEMPLATE?
WHERE’S THE DESIGNER?
DO WE HAVE A DESIGNER?
CAN WE HAVE BOLD?
“Omies and palones of this MACHOCITY thing…. I’m back!!- I tried to get me gay icons list into that NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY but they wouldn’t let me in with these heels, so without delay, here’s DORIS DeTINSEL’S list of Gay Icons! They’re much better than that Sharon…sorry…. Elton John’s!
DORIS DETINSEL’S Gay Icons!
Them that were ROBBED of first prize on that BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT. On the telly. Ooooh it was bonaroo, with HER with the massive thews doing that opera, and HER doing them flowers! Such talent!
Now she was BOLD! I’d chase her anyday!!
H from steps
Such lovely riah! That Lisa was a bitch though, and NO willets!!
Grotbags OFF THAT Rod Hull and Emu
Sue Ellen off of the Dallas
What a role model for us palones! And she liked her vera I can tell you.
Second one from the left in The Dooleys
I need say nowt here, me old coves. She could screech a tune
The Kate Walsh
Her off of that apprentice who came second. She’s now on the telly on that Lorraine Kelly’s telly show as a presenter. Her presenting style is akin to that one off the Muppets who sang “Mahna Mahna”
Gay Grandad ted from Corrie
Gay Grandad Ted is the omi-palone who looks like Davros. Gay Grandad Ted is also fathered Gail, who only discovered that Gay Grandad Ted was her dad recently. She took it on the chin. Gay Grandad Ted is David Platt’s Grandad
so HOT!!! so Bona!!
Teresa from corrie
Now there’s an eek!! We Cove Teresa and her scheming! We cove dona poisoners!! We cove kebab eating Dona’s
Brendan from the coach trip on the telly
What a lacoddy. And so meese!
Brendans video blog:
Shahbaz from that Big Brother
Well she liked a barney that one. And she was , well…. so!
Ooooh she could sing!! What a screech!! She was SO Dally! Or is she called Phyllis Nelson? Oh well, she’s bona whatever her name.
Fayette Pinkney (RIP) off of the Three degrees
the first degree. And so much better than that Sarah Ferguson, the second one.
The gift that keeps on giving. That dona’s best known for her RSC portrayal of King Lear. In a leotard. Oh and those jubes! She’s a bibi you know!!”
Tags: Charlie Porter, Coach Trip, Daley Thompson, Dallas, Dalston Superstore, Dan Beaumont, Dog Correspondant, fashion, floral high notes, gay, icons, Joiners Arms, Macho City, Penis, Rod Hull, Steps, Tom Selleck, wine