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Top 10 Worst Club Scenes On Film

Top 10 Worst Club Scenes On Film

By The Niallist

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is bad clubbing scenes in modern movies. But, seeing as I don't believe in guilt, it's just a straight up pleasure for me. I love seeing Hollywood (and film-makers in general) get it so, so wrong. As an experience that can be both intensely personal AND communal it doesn't really translate that well to the screen, if we're honest. Especially if a film's aesthetic is not sweat and grit but glamour and glitz (but even then it can go horribly wrong). So it's a delight to compile, for the Dalston Superstore website, a top ten of the worst clubbing scenes in modern cinema. If you watch all of these before you have to go to Reflex for a hen do, then your night could be vastly improved. 



Mortal Instruments: 


Would you frequent a club where the patrons are stabbed, shot, slashed, kicked, punched, whipped and even killed? No? Well don't tell that to the clubbers in these two scenes, who continue grooving whilst violence erupts all around them on the dance floor. Admittedly, in the case of Mortal Instruments, the stabbers/slashers are apparently "invisible demon hunters" who can only be seen by the protagonist. But what is Tom Cruise's excuse? His wannabe-silver-daddy look is enough to scare people off most modern dance floors, if we're honest. 


More supernatural-based clubbing nonsense, but vampires this time, as opposed to invisible demon rave munchkins. The problem with a lot of "clubbing" scenes in movies is styling, trying to walk that impossibly fine line between "cyber goth" and "not hideous". Queen Of The Damned is no exception. Take the lead actress's 5/6 years out of date pseudo-Bjork hair bunches and jacket, not to mention that ridiculous vampire-burlesque Union Jack bra on the female blood sucker. Is this really what people in Hollywoodland think ravers wear?! Even Aaliyah couldn't save this hot mess.


I had to put this on the list, not because it is a ridiculous club scene (which it actually is) but because the ridiculousness comes not from getting it completely wrong, but from getting it cringe-inducingly right. From Pacino and Pfeiffer's coked-up dance moves to not being able to hear each other properly on the dancefloor, this scene actually feels like a bad club scene done on purpose. We have to assume that director Brian De Palma has found himself coked out of his nut in a terrible disco dive many, many times.


Who knew that so many punk rockers hung out in Saturday Night Fever-looking disco palaces performing late-70s line dance routines to mid-80s funk rock classics?! The good people of Hollywoodland, that's who!  Than again, it's a dream sequence, so they can get away with anything. This is what the Superstore laser basement looks like on an average Saturday night, so I hope to see Dan Beaumont sporting a stylish "Rusty's European Tour" zip top if pretty damn soon. Not even joking - I would wear that jacket in a heartbeat. 


Let's change up the pace a little. Let's ditch this cheesy discotheque, honeydoll, for the cool surrounds, of a swinging' smoky, jazz club. Yeah! Or, rather, let's not. We appreciate that Sam Raimi and co opted not for a cheesy discotheque, at least, but that doesn't stop this bizarre scene from being unquestionably awful. Peter Parker, in the throws of becoming the evil Venom, takes a random woman to Mary Jane's workplace (where she doubles not just as a waitress, but a Peggy Lee-inspired crooner) so he can dance around, play piano and generally piss her off. While looking like the biggest ballsac on the planet. Yeah! 


I have to admit I have never seen this "techno" thriller from 1996, about a man who melds with cyborg hands, in the process resurrecting his failed rock star career, and all through the power of cheesy midi keyboard that the film-makers have the brass neck to call "rave". But this scene is legendary internet fodder, and it's not hard to see why. Again, it's all waaaay out of date and waaaay out of whack with the reality of clubbing, but it's a barrel of laughs, which makes me really want to see the whole film, and I guess that is saying something, right?


Let's face it, what exactly IS Zion in the Matrix films if not the biggest, coolest, most underground, tribal-rave-warehouse-club you've been trying all your life to get into but have always been knocked back by the Berghain-esque bouncers cos you're just not cool enough? Or at least, that's what it ended up being in the hands of the Warchowskis. In fact the entire Matrix series descended from being something that appeared to have something to say to a ridiculous tick list of things 13 year old boys find cool. Like this awful, awful rave scene, officially the moment the trilogy jumped the shark. Tribal drums! Dreadlocks! Sweat! Jumping! Keanu's cum face! 



The Last Scene: 


(No full "Crave Club" scenes online, but some glimpses in this)


Basic Instinct club scene by men24greece

When it comes to truly awful movie club scenes, there is one undisputed master, and his name is Paul Verhoven. He takes all three top spots on this list (we've actually combined RoboCop and The Last Scene as we couldn't decide between them) because, really, no-one else comes close. Close to putting Michael Douglas in a woollen V neck with no t-shirt and thinking it's cool. Close to filling nightclubs-cum-knocking shops with dwarves, werewolves, SpiderMan outfits and three boobed hookers. Close to thinking Elizabeth Berkley looked in any way normal, sane and even sexy, dancing as she does. No, nobody else comes close. Nobody does it worse than Paul Verhoven, and for that, sir, we salute you!

To read more by The Niallist visit: c-v-n-t-y.blogspot.co.uk

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Top 10 Worst Club Scenes On Film